Open Water Stupid Diver Requirements
Thank you for choosing YASDO for your all important stupid divetraining. It is very important that you learn some of the basics online prior to meeting your Stupid Instructors face to face. Perhaps the most important part of your training is referred to as BWRAF.
B.W.R.A.F
Your YASDO Stupid Dive will begin with the all important Stupid Buddy check. This Stupid check must be accomplished for every Stupid Dive. YASDO Stupid Divers sometimes need a pneumonic device for remembering these 5 all important letters. Therefore, the YASDO Council of Stupid Divers requires you memorize the following:
Boogers Will Really Aggravate Friends
B - Booger check It is very important that your buddy not gross out the rest of the diving party with unsightly boogers cascading out of his or her nostrils. This may cause unwanted chumming by anyone with an IQ above 85. Please, help your buddy avoid this uncomfortable situation by performing a complete booger check. Use of dental mirrors will greatly speed this process.
W - Winkie check. It is very important, especially for male Stupid Divers, to have a winkie check. Check your buddy regardless of gender. You never know when an unknown winkie will make its presence known. Check the winkie for appropriate level of shriveling prior to entering the water. If it has not shriveled to the required level, there is an ice tank on board every certified YASDO Stupid Dive Boat. Insert the winkie into the ice bucket for at least 30 seconds. Hopefully, this will not be necessary. If your buddy has left his or her winkie in their divebag or hotel room, this would be a good time to find out.
R - Releases. Make certain you have your prison, mental institution and/or hospital releases out and available for your Stupid Dive Master. He or she will have theirs ready for your inspection as well. Feel free to trade war stories about dropping the soap. By the way, these releases can also be used as proof of stupidity for obtaining any YASDO ratings.
A - Anal check. YASDO Stupid Divers are expected to have buns like a steel trap. Insertion of a lump of coal should produce a diamond, or at the very least, powdered coal. If you are not anal enough pre dive, try the YASDO approved ice bucket maneuver. If you can snap a pencil, you are safe to perform a stupid dive.
F - Fart check. YASDO Stupid Divers are trained to fart on command. This skill is essential for inflation of dry suits in cold water, and attracting sea lions and other noise conscious sea animals in warmer waters. The Stupid Dive Master will point to you prior to your Stupid Dive Entry. You will then produce as loud a fart as you possibly can. If you are unable to make the appropriate decibel level of fart, each certified YASDO Stupid Dive Boat is required to be equipped with B&M Baked Beans and beer.
Remember, it's Stupidity First with YASDO Stupid Diving. YASDO is your Stupidity source.
OPEN WATER STUPID DIVER - REQUIREMENTS
Now you're ready for the true requirements for Open Water Stupid Diving
Pee in your wet suit. This trick is required immediately prior to exiting the water, whether it be shore or boat, in order to avoid dilution of the maximum olfactory effect. Since all wet suits will be hanging in the same area for the next dive, you must be capable of picking yours out from all of the others. Your signature scent should aid you with this process. This is an important trick to learn, especially when diving with non YASDO Stupid Divers, and especially when using rental equipment. That way you can immediately find the suit you used before. YASDO Stupid Dive Centers appreciate this extra effort, therefore we have made it a requirement for your Open Water Stupid Certification.
Buddy Breathing. This trick is accomplished by snatching the regulator out of your buddy's mouth, and breathing on it until he or she bolts for the surface. Since YASDO Stupid Divers are prohibited from using such wussy and wimpy dive crutches as octopus or spare air, this trick is a necessary Stupid skill for when you run out of your own air. It also assists your buddy in clearing his or her head by rapid ascents to the surface. YASDO also prohibits use of pony bottles, as the required acerage for maintenance of the pony is beyond the capabilities of most YASDO Stupid Dive Centers. Further, the price of hay has gone up.
Use of Stupid Dive Lights. Candidates for the YASDO Stupid Open Water Certification must demonstrate maintenance and use of their dive light. YASDO Stupid Divers must utilize their at least one million candlepower dive lights to illuminate as many square miles as possible, blinding all sea creatures that might attack. If they can't see you, they can't eat you. If an unexpected sea creature happens to avoid the dive light and zero in on you, refer to the trick above marked "Pee in your wet suit."
Air usage requirement. YASDO Stupid Open Water Divers must demonstrate appropriate use of air throughout the certification process, and thereafter. Unlike other dive organizations that require you to waste money and bottom time by ascending with at least 500 pounds of air, YASDO requires you to stay at a depth of at least 60 feet until all air is gone. We mean gone. Absolutely gone. You will thank us for the savings you will achieve over the many weeks of your diving career. Note: YASDO NOW allows you to use the same bottle multiple times to ensure the zero air requirement. The course will teach you appropriate responses when non YASDO Dive Masters attempt to pressure you into wasting your air. You paid for it. You use it. Every molecule. Of course, this requires frequent visits to your YASDO Stupid Dive Centers for VIP tests after each dive.
Carnage requirement. YASDO Stupid Open Water Divers must demonstrate a satisfactory number of killed sea creatures and destroyed coral and plant life. YASDO Stupid Dive Centers are equipped with YASDO Stupid Gauntlets that will assist you in performance of this requirements. YASDO Stupid Gauntlets are equipped with spikes on the palms, razor blades on the knuckles, and kevlar finger tips. Your YASDO Stupid Instructor will also demonstrate the use of pneumatic spear guns from your very first open water dive. These are also available for rental. Regrettably, you must achieve at least your Advanced Stupid Diver rating before you may rent the harpoon. This is due to the unfortunate accident involving our first YASDO Stupid Diver, Ishmael. YASDO Stupid Management still maintains it was because his Stupid Dive Light was rated at only 750,000 candlepower. Thus the change in policies and requirements.
Fin Pirouettes. YASDO Stupid Divers must perform a two minute segment of Swan Lake underwater. Your Stupid Instructor will decide which portion he or she wishes you to perform. Your Stupid Instructor will first demonstrate the Dying Swan maneuver, just in case.
Buoyancy Control. YASDO Stupid Divers are expected to maintain the highest standards of Stupid Buoyancy Control. Therefore, Open Water Stupid Divers will be required to perform the fabled "Bottom Walk" which consists of descending rapidly, crashing to the bottom of whichever divesite is chosen as your examination site, without hesitation, as soon as the boat stops. You will be penalized for waiting for any dive briefing, final checks, or making sure your air is on. You must be carrying enough weight for this to work. YASDO certified Stupid Dive Boats are equipped with anvils if you are obese and need that extra boost. Once reaching the bottom, you must demonstrate full upright walking for at least 1/2 a nautical mile, kicking up as much silt and sea life as possible to assist your Stupid Instructor in demonstrating the Use of Stupid Dive Lights above. Extra points for disappearing in a cloud of your own making, obscuring visibility at this dive site for at least one week and causing the authorities to restrict future diving. Remember, this is not the time to demonstrate your Fart Check, as this extra buoyancy may be just enough if you are underweighted, to bring you rocketing to the surface. That is another trick, not to be done concurrently with this one.